Friday, July 23, 2010

Strangers In Our House

I am happy to report that the mystery animal from two nights ago has moved!

My therapist suggested that my alters and I start a journal. I'm not sure how to go about this since I am still very new to all of this. I am more aware of them, I think. I can understand their conversations now - they seem to be closer, if that makes sense.

I'm finding random things around the house that either I have never noticed before or they were put there recently. New clothes that I don't remember buying. Food in the pantry that I have never bought. Dishes in the kitchen have been rearranged. The furniture in the living room was moved around as well. I'm finding more drawings in my daughters coloring basket that wasn't done by either of them. I'm also finding little bits of paper around the house that have been cut perfectly into triangles - neither of my kids can cut that well. I've talked to my husband about this and he knows nothing about it. We think it may be the alters coming out.

I don't know if I am okay with this. It is strange. I feel like a stranger is coming into our home and doing things in our house without our knowledge. Is it normal to be completely freaked out?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

It's Early...

I couldn't sleep last night. There is an annoying animal right outside our window that was making awful noises ALL... NIGHT... LONG...

I wanted to kill it.

I'm not sure how I would have done it. I'm terrified of guns. I don't like the feeling of stabbing something, especially to kill it. I didn't want to beat it to death because that is terribly cruel. We don't have any poison, at least not to my knowledge. And I didn't want to have to walk all the way to the front door and then halfway around the house to our window at 1 o'clock in the morning.

So I laid in bed all night, clenching my fists and trying not to wake my husband who was sleeping quite peacefully, might I add.

Maybe I can squeeze in a nap today...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Apple and Mo

Apple, Pear and Plum are the alters my therapist first discovered and told me about. Plum is about 3 years old and she drew a picture for me during our session today.

My therapist says that Apple comes out at night and cooks huge meals and then stores them in Tupperware containers to be consumed later. First, I need to explain why my therapist thinks this...

When I first started living with my adopted family, my siblings told me I would sleepwalk. I had no idea what that meant and so I was really embarrassed about it but I couldn't do anything to stop it. One night I woke up in the middle of the night - I was standing in the kitchen with a knife in one hand and a whole spread of food on the counter. I was so shocked that I dropped the knife and ran to my room. I told Ash the next night to follow me if I went sleepwalking. When I woke up the next morning, she told me I cooked an entire meal while I was asleep. She told me I was humming and talking to myself like it was a favorite past time. It was the strangest thing I had ever heard.

12 years later and I am still doing it! Many of my college roommates thought I was crazy, and at first they thought I would burn the apartment or house down while cooking in the middle of the night - asleep no less. But after a while it became the norm and no one worried about it.

I told my therapist this funny thing about me about a week and a half ago and she says she figured it out. Apple is the one coming out at night to cook. I am a little disappointed about this though... It used to be really awesome to tell people that I can cook these fabulous meals while I'm sleeping, but cannot figure out for the life of me when I am awake. Now it seems that it is just an alter inside my head that is coming out to have some time to herself. Maybe I will be more thrilled about this later...

There is a fourth alter that has made himself known. His name is Mandarin-Orange but he goes by Manny-Orin. Plum calls him Mo. I do not like having a male alter inside me. It really freaks me out.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My Little Cinderella

Ever since Kel started crawling, she has loved to clean. She would put her hands straight up in the air when I would wash the dishes in the sink in our tiny apartment (we didn't have a dishwasher). I would pick her up and set her on the counter and then she would stick her hands in the bubbly water and rub them all over the dishes.

When we moved into a house with a dishwasher, it was her favorite new thing. As it was running, she would frequently check it to see if it was done. She would wear a towel like a cape until it would beep and then she would take out all of the stuff on the bottom and dry it off. Sometimes she would attempt to put things away, which didn't always turn out so swell!

My husband built her a stool just after she turned two so she could climb up and reach the sink (or the counter) to do dishes without "mommy's help". He also took our old mop and cut it down so she could use it without falling over.

She is constantly roaming the house with the duster and wiping down the walls with washcloths. My mother-in-law calls Kel her "little Cinderella".

This morning I woke up to her scrubbing Tey clean with baby wipes. I'm not sure how she got Tey to stay so still but now she has that clean, fresh baby wipe scent.

I just hope this obsession lasts into her teenage years.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Drawings On The Wall

My four year old (Kel) caught my one and a half year old (Tey) coloring on the wall yesterday afternoon. Normally I jump right in and ask them what they are doing and they bashfully give up their crayons, but the conversation was just too cute to interrupt.

Kel: Tey, mommy is not going to be very happy.

Tey: *holds up crayon* red!

Kel: No no no.

Tey: *looks at crayon* blue?

Kel: No it is red!

Tey: *confused look*

Kel: Give me that red.

Tey: *holds it tight against her chest* NO!

Kel: Ok fine.

Tey: *goes back to coloring*

Kel: If you're gonna draw on the wall then at least do it behind the couch!

Ahh I just love my little girls!

Friday, July 16, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 8

I started treatment, although I don't have much memory of it. I have tried several times to go back to that time and remember being in the hospital, but I just can't.

But something wasn't right with me. I had never had a period in my life. My father had sexually abused me so badly that several doctors had told me I would never be able to have kids. Some of them wanted to do a hysterectomy but they never did. But something wasn't right. I would wake up in the middle of the night to the feeling of "popping" in my stomach. I would put my hand on my belly and I could feel little "pops". I started to get really sick at random parts of the day. My hair started to get more curly and my mood would drastically change from one moment to the next.

The doctor's told me that it was just side effects from the medication.

Then one day, I heard a soft and faint hiccup. And then another. I put my hand on my stomach and felt a soft movement with the next hiccup.

My heart fell out of my chest.

I immediately called Bee. As soon as she answered I said, "I think I'm pregnant." I didn't know what to do. Bee came over and when Linda got home that night, I told her.

We went to the doctor the first thing in the morning. She did some tests and then we went in for the ultrasound. A tiny baby appeared on the monitor (I would later find out that I was 22 weeks along at this point).

No one could believe it. It was impossible. There were no physical signs of me being pregnant. They tried to figure out who had raped me around that time but I couldn't even narrow it down to one person. I was terrified. I couldn't even take care of myself - I could barely hold myself together. There was no way I was going to abort this baby but I didn't want it either.

I sat in a trance for days. I didn't know what to do. No one did.

Linda decided that I should talk to their bishop.

To be continued...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 7

I started to see her. Everywhere.

The first time was in the middle of the night. I was lying in bed next to Lynne - she was asleep. I was watching the shadows bounce along the walls as late night drivers were passing by, their headlights shining through the window. I don't know if she just appeared or walked into the room, but I looked towards the closet door and there she was. I practically jumped up from where I was and ran to her. She told me she couldn't touch me but she was there to watch over me.

Two days later I saw her in the kitchen while I was listening to my aunt. She was standing in the corner, smiling at me. My heart ached. The pain of needing her with me was so great.

Sometimes she would follow me around the house and at night she would lie next to me in bed until I fell asleep.

I finally told my therapist that I was seeing Ash. He asked me to describe her, where I saw her, when I saw her, how often I saw her. It sounded like he truly believed me.

But about two months later, he diagnosed me with Schizophrenia.

I didn't understand. I wasn't crazy. She was really there! But he just wouldn't listen. I would need to be hospitalized, he said. I would need to start the medication immediately.

I didn't need this. I didn't want this. I wanted her. I wanted her.

To be continued...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 6

The next day I was taken in to see a therapist. To this day I still do not know how I even talked myself into seeing a male therapist. Lynne went with me to every session for the first several months because I refused to be alone with him.

In that first session, he had me draw a picture for him. I wish I had it to post on here but he kept it. It's probably better that way anyway. I drew what the cellar looked like that Ash and I were locked in for 9 months, just before our father killed himself. I didn't tell him what it was though. He studied it for quite some time.

He quickly learned that it took a lot to get me to talk. In the fourth session, he brought out some Barbie dolls and had me show him what had happened to me. After telling Bee that my therapist had me do this, she freaked out. I guess most people are uncomfortable with doing this, but it was very comforting for me because I wouldn't be saying anything out loud.

First we made labels for each of the dolls. I carefully picked out each of my abusers and labeled them accordingly. For several sessions it was completely silent as I made the Barbie's act out the events of my childhood. It was almost like my hands had a mind of there own and I was just sitting back and watching it all unfold. (I now know that I had been co-conscious with one of my alter's.)

There were things I wasn't telling him, though. While I was staying at my aunt's house, her son-in-law had been coming over more often. Most of the time he came over when I was home alone and he would bring his friend. Even though I moved out of my parents house, I was still being sexually abused. I never told my therapist.

To be continued...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 5

I had to leave. I was 18 years old so legally I could leave. I called my aunt who lived in Arizona and asked if I could come live with her. She said she would love to have me.

I couldn't tell anyone what Chris was doing to me every night. Instead, my siblings and some of my friends who knew he was coming over thought Chris and I were starting a relationship. I desperately wished to tell.

My cousin Lynne, her brother J, and their mom drove to my house and we loaded up my stuff into their van. Chris begged to come along. Linda, not knowing the situation, said he would be welcome to accompany us. We climbed into the back seat and he did things to me the entire drive there.

When we arrived at their house, I was very emotionally unstable. Lynne grabbed my arm and took me to her room. She told me she could tell something wasn't right and that I needed to tell her what was going on. I reluctantly told her what Chris had been doing to me for the past three weeks. As soon as the words let my lips, the door came crashing down.

Before I even realized what was happening, I was knocked to the ground. I heard Lynne screaming. Josh came running into the room and pulled Chris off of me. They called the police and he was taken into custody.

To be continued...

Monday, July 12, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 4

The funeral was held on Monday, February 14, 2005. I had gotten to the church early that morning with my sister L to just be there.

The service started and I didn't see Tyler (my boyfriend) or Laura (my best friend) there. I slipped out the side door and tried calling both of their cell phones, but they didn't answer. After a couple of more tries with no luck, I went back inside. As the service went on, I noticed that a few of my siblings were not there either.

I started to get a little worried. This wasn't like Laura or Tyler, and my siblings should have definitely been there. After the service was over, I went and found my aunt Linda. That's when I heard the news.

"There was a car accident..."

I didn't want to hear the words.

"Jake, Em, Haelee, and Blake rode over with Laura and Tyler."

They had to be okay. They must be okay.

"The other car veered over to their side..."

Just stop. Just stop.

"They don't think Laura is going to make it."

My head was spinning. The floor was spinning. The whole room started spinning.

Two hours later, Laura, Tyler, Blake, and Em had all passed away. Jake was in critical condition and Haelee was in surgery.

I literally thought my life was ending.

To be continued...

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 3

I finally let my boyfriend, Tyler, come in my room. He held me and let me cry.

My best friend Laura came over too. She brought me a big stuffed teddy bear. She held my hand while I cried into Tyler's chest.

They left around 2am and then Ash's boyfriend, Chris, came over.

(On a lighter note, Chris and Tyler were also identical twins)

**This may be triggering**

I thought he had come over to cry with me. To comfort each other. To be there for each other. But I was very wrong...

First, he led me down into the basement of my house and locked the door. He pushed me down and drug me to the other side of the room. He tore off my pajama's and got on top of me. Then he raped me. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

I couldn't even fight him because I was so weak from crying.

He left me down there, in the dark. I curled up into a ball and tried to cry, but I couldn't. It hurt too much.

He came back again the next night to repeat what he had already done...and more.

To be continued...

Friday, July 9, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 2

I didn't want to believe it.

I cried and kicked and screamed.

I threw tools and cords and markers and parts of the hospital beds.

I tore down the curtains.

I broke several machines.

I punched my cousin until he was lying unconscious on the floor.

They took me to the psych ward.

I beat the crap out of the padded room they put me in.

I cried and cried until I finally fell asleep 28 hours later.

They let me go home.

I didn't want to talk to anybody or see anybody.

I didn't want to eat or sleep or drink.

I didn't want to breathe.

Ash had suffocated to death. Why should I be breathing?

To be continued...

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I Couldn't Even Stop It...

We were up in Washington for a big family event. Most of my siblings, many of my cousins, quite a few uncles and aunts. We rented out the entire hotel. Ash and I were sharing a room.

Ash had a hole in her lung because of our biologial father stabbing her, so she had to do breathing treatments twice a day to make sure fluid stayed out of her lungs - once about an hour after she woke up and once during the night, around midnight.

After we had been there a couple of nights, Ash started to act a little abnormal. She kept telling people how much she appreciated them (quite a bit more than normal) and she kept hugging me and spent almost every waking moment with me.

We went to sleep that night as usual, and around midnight Ash's alarm went off to do her breathing treatment. I sat up and waited for her to be done and then laid back down and went to sleep.

Around one o'clock I heard these awful sounds coming from the other side of the room. But I was too tired to try to figure out what it was. About two o'clock and I woke up again, and again I could hear these awful sounds. Three o'clock came and the awful sounds were so loud that I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of bed and stumbled to the other side of the room.

I found Ash on the floor, completely black and blue and very swollen.

I screamed and ran out of the room, down the hall, to our aunt's room. I banged and kicked on the door, screaming as loud as I could. I was crying so hard that when she opened the door she couldn't understand a word I was saying.

I managed to get her back to my room. She called 911 and within 4 minutes they were there, loading her into the back of the vehicle. I rode with her to the hospital.

When we got there the doctors tried prying me away from her but they couldn't get me to calm down. My aunt begged them to let me go with Ash because she knew I wouldn't be okay without her.

They went into immediate surgery. Both of her lungs had collasped.

I held her hand the entire time.

Three hours later, she was hooked up to a life machine. All I can remember doing is lying next to her and sobbing "don't leave me, please. don't leave me."

No one else was allowed in the room because of her condition.

The doctors kept telling me that she just needed to get through this little bit and then she would be fine. But two hours later, she was slipping away.

They pronounced her dead at 11:03 am on February 10, 2005.

To be continued...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It Was Never Truly Over - Part 3

**This may be triggering so please proceed with caution**

The first time I saw my mother put my two year old sister in the kitchen oven, I passed out. I had only ever known my sister and I to be the ones to be abused in any situation. This single event made me wonder if there was any good in the world.

My second oldest brother, K-2, would trap me in a corner of the house, grab me, and then take me downstairs where he would duct tape me to a chair. Sometimes his friends would come over and join in with him. They called me crude names and took turns fondling me. Sometimes we would be down there for hours.

The church my new parents were members of taught beautiful things, I just couldn't ever believe them. They said parents were good and taught their children well. They were protectors from evil and were there to show you the good. They never hurt you and would listen to what you had to say. All of this was a load of crap, in my mind.

The only parents I had known had hurt me in more ways than anybody could ever imagine.

There was one boy my mother sold me to who did not force me to have sex with him. Instead, he held me and let me cry on his shoulder. He told me he would tell my mother we had done it so I wouldn't get into more trouble. I later found out that his father had forced him into this and he didn't want to hurt anybody. He was only my age.

It is all scattered and coming back to me in fragments. It is very hard to talk about and yet I feel this overwhelming need to tell because I can. I have that right now that I didn't have before.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Packing Up For The Weekend

My session with therapist this morning was very draining and I don't much feel like continuing my last post right now.

My husband wants to take our family up to the mountains this weekend. I must say that I am very relieved and excited for this trip. This also means no Internet so no use taking my laptop!

Is it normal to feel like you have no time in your sessions with your therapist? I feel like I get there and then I'm already leaving. Where does the time go? Before I just thought it was me "zoning out" and not wanting to be there but now I find it slightly annoying. Therapist tells me that my personalities are talking with her, which is good right? Sometimes I wonder if it is a load of crap as she sucks the money out of me each time. She's a great therapist though, so I don't think she would do that. I just want to know what is going on!

I better get to packing...we will be leaving in a few hours. I hope you all have a superb weekend!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

It Was Never Truly Over - Part 2

**This may be triggering so please proceed with caution**

The first few weeks in this new home was very strange. There was always at least three other people with you at all times. There was constant noise. We had to learn ASL (American Sign Language) to communicate with our new sister who was deaf. We had to go through the testing process in the public system to see what grade we were to be placed in. Religion was thrown at us from the beginning and before we knew it we were baptized into a church we knew nothing about. Everything was very overwhelming and I was not coping well at all.

Ash seemed to fit right in with everyone. They all loved and adored her. I wasn't jealous of her because I didn't want to be the center of attention and I didn't trust anybody but her.

About a month after living with our new family, we learned of the cult our new mom was a part of. I am not sure what they did with the younger kids that were brought to them, but with the older kids they sold them for sex. I soon became the most requested girl among the cult and in the small town we lived in. For whatever reason, our new mom kept Ash from this evil. In our mom's eyes, Ash was the perfect one who should not be touched.

This is really difficult for me to write and I am leaving so much out because it is so difficult.

Sometimes at home, our mom would force one of our brothers to rape me. Mom would also tie us up in the basement for days without food or water and without clothes so we would get very cold and weak. Mom separated Ash and I so we did not share a room anymore. That was the first time I had ever contemplated suicide. There was no way I could survive without my sister.

We were placed in the 6th grade when school started in the fall. We were at a charter school in the neighboring town. That was where I met Bee. She came up to Ash and asked if we would like to play tetherball with her. Ash of course said yes right away. I hung back and did not want to talk to Bee. Ash talked me into coming and watching and I reluctantly agreed. Bee and Ash became best friends almost instantly, and Bee would constantly try to get me to talk to her or play with her but I couldn't. I didn't have enough in me to trust anybody else. Every night, Ash would sneak into my room after everyone else had gone to sleep and she would tell me how good of a friend Bee would be for me. That I should trust her.

About a year after we had first met Bee, I finally started responding to her when she would talk to me. By that time, Ash and Bee were best friends. I started to want another friendship like that.

In the middle of our 7th grade year, we had to move. We moved to a different state to another very small town. The abuse got much worse after that.

To be continued...