I started treatment, although I don't have much memory of it. I have tried several times to go back to that time and remember being in the hospital, but I just can't.
But something wasn't right with me. I had never had a period in my life. My father had sexually abused me so badly that several doctors had told me I would never be able to have kids. Some of them wanted to do a hysterectomy but they never did. But something wasn't right. I would wake up in the middle of the night to the feeling of "popping" in my stomach. I would put my hand on my belly and I could feel little "pops". I started to get really sick at random parts of the day. My hair started to get more curly and my mood would drastically change from one moment to the next.
The doctor's told me that it was just side effects from the medication.
Then one day, I heard a soft and faint hiccup. And then another. I put my hand on my stomach and felt a soft movement with the next hiccup.
My heart fell out of my chest.
I immediately called Bee. As soon as she answered I said, "I think I'm pregnant." I didn't know what to do. Bee came over and when Linda got home that night, I told her.
We went to the doctor the first thing in the morning. She did some tests and then we went in for the ultrasound. A tiny baby appeared on the monitor (I would later find out that I was 22 weeks along at this point).
No one could believe it. It was impossible. There were no physical signs of me being pregnant. They tried to figure out who had raped me around that time but I couldn't even narrow it down to one person. I was terrified. I couldn't even take care of myself - I could barely hold myself together. There was no way I was going to abort this baby but I didn't want it either.
I sat in a trance for days. I didn't know what to do. No one did.
Linda decided that I should talk to their bishop.
To be continued...
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
It Was Never Truly Over - Part 2
**This may be triggering so please proceed with caution**
The first few weeks in this new home was very strange. There was always at least three other people with you at all times. There was constant noise. We had to learn ASL (American Sign Language) to communicate with our new sister who was deaf. We had to go through the testing process in the public system to see what grade we were to be placed in. Religion was thrown at us from the beginning and before we knew it we were baptized into a church we knew nothing about. Everything was very overwhelming and I was not coping well at all.
Ash seemed to fit right in with everyone. They all loved and adored her. I wasn't jealous of her because I didn't want to be the center of attention and I didn't trust anybody but her.
About a month after living with our new family, we learned of the cult our new mom was a part of. I am not sure what they did with the younger kids that were brought to them, but with the older kids they sold them for sex. I soon became the most requested girl among the cult and in the small town we lived in. For whatever reason, our new mom kept Ash from this evil. In our mom's eyes, Ash was the perfect one who should not be touched.
This is really difficult for me to write and I am leaving so much out because it is so difficult.
Sometimes at home, our mom would force one of our brothers to rape me. Mom would also tie us up in the basement for days without food or water and without clothes so we would get very cold and weak. Mom separated Ash and I so we did not share a room anymore. That was the first time I had ever contemplated suicide. There was no way I could survive without my sister.
We were placed in the 6th grade when school started in the fall. We were at a charter school in the neighboring town. That was where I met Bee. She came up to Ash and asked if we would like to play tetherball with her. Ash of course said yes right away. I hung back and did not want to talk to Bee. Ash talked me into coming and watching and I reluctantly agreed. Bee and Ash became best friends almost instantly, and Bee would constantly try to get me to talk to her or play with her but I couldn't. I didn't have enough in me to trust anybody else. Every night, Ash would sneak into my room after everyone else had gone to sleep and she would tell me how good of a friend Bee would be for me. That I should trust her.
About a year after we had first met Bee, I finally started responding to her when she would talk to me. By that time, Ash and Bee were best friends. I started to want another friendship like that.
In the middle of our 7th grade year, we had to move. We moved to a different state to another very small town. The abuse got much worse after that.
To be continued...
The first few weeks in this new home was very strange. There was always at least three other people with you at all times. There was constant noise. We had to learn ASL (American Sign Language) to communicate with our new sister who was deaf. We had to go through the testing process in the public system to see what grade we were to be placed in. Religion was thrown at us from the beginning and before we knew it we were baptized into a church we knew nothing about. Everything was very overwhelming and I was not coping well at all.
Ash seemed to fit right in with everyone. They all loved and adored her. I wasn't jealous of her because I didn't want to be the center of attention and I didn't trust anybody but her.
About a month after living with our new family, we learned of the cult our new mom was a part of. I am not sure what they did with the younger kids that were brought to them, but with the older kids they sold them for sex. I soon became the most requested girl among the cult and in the small town we lived in. For whatever reason, our new mom kept Ash from this evil. In our mom's eyes, Ash was the perfect one who should not be touched.
This is really difficult for me to write and I am leaving so much out because it is so difficult.
Sometimes at home, our mom would force one of our brothers to rape me. Mom would also tie us up in the basement for days without food or water and without clothes so we would get very cold and weak. Mom separated Ash and I so we did not share a room anymore. That was the first time I had ever contemplated suicide. There was no way I could survive without my sister.
We were placed in the 6th grade when school started in the fall. We were at a charter school in the neighboring town. That was where I met Bee. She came up to Ash and asked if we would like to play tetherball with her. Ash of course said yes right away. I hung back and did not want to talk to Bee. Ash talked me into coming and watching and I reluctantly agreed. Bee and Ash became best friends almost instantly, and Bee would constantly try to get me to talk to her or play with her but I couldn't. I didn't have enough in me to trust anybody else. Every night, Ash would sneak into my room after everyone else had gone to sleep and she would tell me how good of a friend Bee would be for me. That I should trust her.
About a year after we had first met Bee, I finally started responding to her when she would talk to me. By that time, Ash and Bee were best friends. I started to want another friendship like that.
In the middle of our 7th grade year, we had to move. We moved to a different state to another very small town. The abuse got much worse after that.
To be continued...
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