New Therapist

I think we wish ourselves to be okay when we find ourselves not wanting to work through something particularly difficult.

Many things have happened since I last posted. The major one, of course, is having a new baby at home. She is so precious and adorable and it is so hard to let her sleep or be in someone else's arms without feeling like I've had a limb amputated.

I have also switched to a new therapist. She is much different from previous therapists that I have gone to but I feel like this new one is a much better match. Our first session was awkward. To be honest, I really didn't want to have a second session. I went home that night and told my husband that it would not work out and that I needed to keep searching. He asked me why and all I could come up with was "it was so awkward!" Being the man that he is, he told me I needed to give this therapist another shot.

Our second session was better but still awkward. It was seriously like a movie or tv show, where the therapist sits in the big, comfy looking chair and the client/patient is sitting on the far end of the couch, opposite from the therapist. The conversation consists of the therapist asking extremely thought-provoking questions while the patient sits there wide-eyed and panicky.

I don't know how I managed to go to the third session. There was still awkwardness hanging in the air but I was starting to warm up to her and my alters started to feel more comfortable about coming out. Over the past couple of weeks I have really started to realize and get to know my alters. Through much research and reading I have found that I am co-conscious with my alters, except for at night - I can lose time anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 or 8 or 10 hours at night. I'm still in the dark about most things though, regarding DID.

The fourth session was really the one where we just clicked. No more awkwardness, no more hiding, no more trying to pretend like I wanted to be there. I accomplish more in the sessions and during the time inbetween sessions that I already feel like an entirely new person. The change was much needed.

I better get back to my motherly duties! Hopefully I will be posting more regularly again.

Just Some Thoughts

Wow I just really suck right now at keeping up with my blog... So much is going on right now in my life that it's hard to find the time. I have three of my younger sisters staying with me right now and it has been crazy at my house! I've been able to see my therapist once since I last wrote and that seemed to help me out a lot.

I have set aside a time every morning after I send Kel off to school and take Tey to preschool/day care at my other sister's house, to lay down and relax. I breathe really deeply while listening to Chakra Suite. I fall into a sort of "trance" (for lack of a better word) and I find my alters and we talk. I usually do this about an hour to really hear what they need to tell me and to get to know them better. It has been a huge deal for us and it is really helping. My days are much better and I hardly lose time at all.

This in time, I fear, will not work any longer for us for whatever reason, but for now it's pretty amazing.

I'm Still Here

It has been a while since I've written. I was in the hospital for a few days... I had some complications with my pregnancy but things are fine now. Shortly after that, my sister in law fell ill so I flew up to help my brother (her husband) with their 9 kids. Now I am finally back in my own home, slowly trying to get back into my routine. But school is starting very soon so I have been rushing around trying to get my daughter Kel ready for first grade. She won't even be 5 years old on her first day!

Since I have been gone I haven't been able to meet with my therapist and it is really starting to get to me. I have had some memories pop up at random times throughout my days and some of them are very disturbing. I so badly wish that they aren't real but I know they are.

I am also starting to recognize and get used to the inside "chatter". I think they are starting to feel more comfortable about letting me know who they are. I often find myself trying to talk to them, but I feel ridiculous. I'm still trying to accept that they are actually there. I guess having a Schizophrenia label for so long really hinders progress in the DID area.

Packing Up For The Weekend

My session with therapist this morning was very draining and I don't much feel like continuing my last post right now.

My husband wants to take our family up to the mountains this weekend. I must say that I am very relieved and excited for this trip. This also means no Internet so no use taking my laptop!

Is it normal to feel like you have no time in your sessions with your therapist? I feel like I get there and then I'm already leaving. Where does the time go? Before I just thought it was me "zoning out" and not wanting to be there but now I find it slightly annoying. Therapist tells me that my personalities are talking with her, which is good right? Sometimes I wonder if it is a load of crap as she sucks the money out of me each time. She's a great therapist though, so I don't think she would do that. I just want to know what is going on!

I better get to packing...we will be leaving in a few hours. I hope you all have a superb weekend!