Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Lousy Best Friend

I have been the worst best friend these past couple of months. I'm used to having a lot on my plate and I don't have a problem with always being busy, but I have ALWAYS had time for my best friend. If she called me and needed me to come or wanted to come to me, I would always find time. If she was having a bad day I would bring her a treat. If she accomplished something she had been working towards for so long I would make sure I was there to cheer her on. I would always make time for her.

Right now I've been so focused on my brother's wife (she has liver cancer) and their family, plus my new baby girl and my other 2 girls, plus my husband, plus one of my sister's who had to have surgery recently, plus therapy sessions. I simply can't find the time to be there for my best friend.

I missed her college graduation.
I missed her finishing student teaching.
I missed her getting her first "real" job.
I missed shopping with her for teacher and school supplies.
I missed her graduation party.
I missed her several calls to my phone. Her voicemails telling me of these accomplishments and wishes.
I missed the opportunity to be there for her so she could cry on my shoulder when she lost a very close friend.

I have missed so much these past few months and I'm afraid of growing apart from my best friend. I've known her for more than 12 years. How could I miss so much in such a short amount of time?

Bee, I am going to do better starting now. You deserve that!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

New Therapist

I think we wish ourselves to be okay when we find ourselves not wanting to work through something particularly difficult.

Many things have happened since I last posted. The major one, of course, is having a new baby at home. She is so precious and adorable and it is so hard to let her sleep or be in someone else's arms without feeling like I've had a limb amputated.

I have also switched to a new therapist. She is much different from previous therapists that I have gone to but I feel like this new one is a much better match. Our first session was awkward. To be honest, I really didn't want to have a second session. I went home that night and told my husband that it would not work out and that I needed to keep searching. He asked me why and all I could come up with was "it was so awkward!" Being the man that he is, he told me I needed to give this therapist another shot.

Our second session was better but still awkward. It was seriously like a movie or tv show, where the therapist sits in the big, comfy looking chair and the client/patient is sitting on the far end of the couch, opposite from the therapist. The conversation consists of the therapist asking extremely thought-provoking questions while the patient sits there wide-eyed and panicky.

I don't know how I managed to go to the third session. There was still awkwardness hanging in the air but I was starting to warm up to her and my alters started to feel more comfortable about coming out. Over the past couple of weeks I have really started to realize and get to know my alters. Through much research and reading I have found that I am co-conscious with my alters, except for at night - I can lose time anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 or 8 or 10 hours at night. I'm still in the dark about most things though, regarding DID.

The fourth session was really the one where we just clicked. No more awkwardness, no more hiding, no more trying to pretend like I wanted to be there. I accomplish more in the sessions and during the time inbetween sessions that I already feel like an entirely new person. The change was much needed.

I better get back to my motherly duties! Hopefully I will be posting more regularly again.

Monday, October 11, 2010


I had my little girl yesterday, 10-10-10. We named her Lyndrea Amerae. She was 6lbs, 2 oz, 19 inches. And TONS of hair! My other two girls were completely bald for months. Words cannot express the love I have for this little girl...

I am horrible with keeping up with this blog...I have been so busy these past few months and I seem to never find the time. We're also in the process of moving again.

I'm really tired but I hope to get back on soon and post a "real" blog.

Take care.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Just Some Thoughts

Wow I just really suck right now at keeping up with my blog... So much is going on right now in my life that it's hard to find the time. I have three of my younger sisters staying with me right now and it has been crazy at my house! I've been able to see my therapist once since I last wrote and that seemed to help me out a lot.

I have set aside a time every morning after I send Kel off to school and take Tey to preschool/day care at my other sister's house, to lay down and relax. I breathe really deeply while listening to Chakra Suite. I fall into a sort of "trance" (for lack of a better word) and I find my alters and we talk. I usually do this about an hour to really hear what they need to tell me and to get to know them better. It has been a huge deal for us and it is really helping. My days are much better and I hardly lose time at all.

This in time, I fear, will not work any longer for us for whatever reason, but for now it's pretty amazing.

Monday, August 9, 2010

I'm Still Here

It has been a while since I've written. I was in the hospital for a few days... I had some complications with my pregnancy but things are fine now. Shortly after that, my sister in law fell ill so I flew up to help my brother (her husband) with their 9 kids. Now I am finally back in my own home, slowly trying to get back into my routine. But school is starting very soon so I have been rushing around trying to get my daughter Kel ready for first grade. She won't even be 5 years old on her first day!

Since I have been gone I haven't been able to meet with my therapist and it is really starting to get to me. I have had some memories pop up at random times throughout my days and some of them are very disturbing. I so badly wish that they aren't real but I know they are.

I am also starting to recognize and get used to the inside "chatter". I think they are starting to feel more comfortable about letting me know who they are. I often find myself trying to talk to them, but I feel ridiculous. I'm still trying to accept that they are actually there. I guess having a Schizophrenia label for so long really hinders progress in the DID area.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Strangers In Our House

I am happy to report that the mystery animal from two nights ago has moved!

My therapist suggested that my alters and I start a journal. I'm not sure how to go about this since I am still very new to all of this. I am more aware of them, I think. I can understand their conversations now - they seem to be closer, if that makes sense.

I'm finding random things around the house that either I have never noticed before or they were put there recently. New clothes that I don't remember buying. Food in the pantry that I have never bought. Dishes in the kitchen have been rearranged. The furniture in the living room was moved around as well. I'm finding more drawings in my daughters coloring basket that wasn't done by either of them. I'm also finding little bits of paper around the house that have been cut perfectly into triangles - neither of my kids can cut that well. I've talked to my husband about this and he knows nothing about it. We think it may be the alters coming out.

I don't know if I am okay with this. It is strange. I feel like a stranger is coming into our home and doing things in our house without our knowledge. Is it normal to be completely freaked out?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

It's Early...

I couldn't sleep last night. There is an annoying animal right outside our window that was making awful noises ALL... NIGHT... LONG...

I wanted to kill it.

I'm not sure how I would have done it. I'm terrified of guns. I don't like the feeling of stabbing something, especially to kill it. I didn't want to beat it to death because that is terribly cruel. We don't have any poison, at least not to my knowledge. And I didn't want to have to walk all the way to the front door and then halfway around the house to our window at 1 o'clock in the morning.

So I laid in bed all night, clenching my fists and trying not to wake my husband who was sleeping quite peacefully, might I add.

Maybe I can squeeze in a nap today...