It Was Never Truly Over - Part 1

I feel like I have so much to say but I don't even know where to begin. There is so much I feel I need to share but there is so much background that needs to be covered first. My anxiety usually doesn't get the best of me but I believe it is winning at this moment.

Lothlorien posed a question under my last post: "When you were diagnosed as Schizophrenic, did anyone ever ask you if the voices you were hearing seemed to come from inside your own head or outside?" Answer: I honestly don't remember very much after my sister was murdered. I will eventually write what happened shortly afterward to me but I don't feel it is appropriate just yet. I had a very good therapist at the time. She was there for me 24/7 and gave me the support I needed. I do not blame her for misdiagnosing me, but as I learn more about the differences between Schizophrenia and DID I start to wonder how she would have made that error. Unless of course I have an alter who is Schizophrenic and they could have been more dominant at that time since I was not. Just going off all of the medication has been a huge blessing in my life.

Just to warn you all - I plan to talk about my twin sister Ashlee quite a bit on this blog. She was such a huge part of my life and it really helps me to talk about her. I also need to warn you that I have many siblings - twenty-four (24) to be exact. I have 29 nieces and nephews and over 150 first cousins. I just hope things aren't confusing on your end!

**This may be triggering so please proceed with caution**

I'm going to start out simple and work my way out. At least, that is my plan. My biological mom met my biological father when she was 12 (he was 19). My b. father raped my mom and she had my older brother J at the age of 13. My biological grandfather forced my mom to marry my father. At 17 my mom had my sister and I, and two years later my father murdered her in our backyard. They never found her body.

When my brother J was 9 years old, he managed to escape our father and he ran away. Since my sister and I were barely 5 years old at the time so we didn't remember much about him and after a few years we had forgotten about him entirely. From the time we were born until the time we were rescued just after our 11th birthday, we were sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abused every day and night by our father, his friends and members of his cult. Ash was the only friend I had.

When my father was found, the swat team had surrounded our house. He had a gun in his hand aimed at himself, he was holding a knife in the other. The cops were trying to get us to come to them. Ash ran at them, trying to pull me along side her. My father stabbed her three times in the chest and then shot himself. I will never forget that sound.

We were in the hospital for a month because we were so sick and beaten. My biological grandmother took us in for the first few months - it was the first time we had ever met a family member. We didn't even know we had any family members besides our father. Our grandmother's sister went through all the necessary steps to adopt both my sister and I and we became apart of a huge family.

Little did we know that the abuse was far from over...

To be continued...