In therapy this morning my therapist talked about how my alters (still getting used to this word) will start to make themselves known to me. She already knows of three distinct ones all of which are named after fruit: Apple, Pear, and Plum. I should have entitled my blog “The Fruit Basket”.
While I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, I felt like I was trapped in this unknown world that encompassed my life. It didn’t always affect me but it was definitely always looming around close by. Now that I have a DID diagnosis, I kind of feel like I’m faking it. I’m not sure how one could fake DID 24/7 without someone catching them in a “normal” state. Nevertheless, I feel like I’m faking it all.
Maybe if I could just meet one of my alters - that word still sounds foreign to me; almost like it shouldn’t be a part of my vocabulary - it would help me to realize I’m not faking it or that my therapist isn’t feeding me a load of crap.
I know they are there, though, if that makes sense. I can feel a presence.
I’m going to spend the day with my one year old, Tey (Peyton). My four year old Kel (Brookelynne) is hanging with Grandma and some of her cousins.
I chuckled at your fruit basket comment. So sweet. I understand the feeling of "Am I faking this?" I feel that way sometimes, but when I talk to my daughter and ask her if she has the same thought processes I do, she says no. I thought everyone thought the way I did. I thought everyone had all these conversations going on in their heads.
ReplyDelete"Fruit Basket" LOL
ReplyDeleteGood you have your sense of humor.
As for the faking it, I think many of us have felt that way at times. I wrote a whole post on it on my blog. It's in the "Diagnosis" thread.
I am predominately co-consciouos, so I do experience "seeing/hearing" my alters out, but a whole bunch of people do not,especially in the beginning when the dissociate walls are so high. This I know from experience meeting other DID survivors and books I've read on the subject.
I'm curious, when you were diagnosed as Schizophrenic, did anyone ever ask you if the voices you were hearing seemed to come from inside your own head or outside? That is usually a pretty clear distinction between Schizophrenia and DID. Or did they just assume voices=Schizophrenia?
I think you saw what you saw and heard what you heard after your sister's death not because you had Schizophrenia, but because of the trauma of the whole experience. I have had a family member murdered as well, and it was very difficult, but this was an aunt, not a sister, and not a twin. That is HUGE trauma, and I have to wonder if your original diagnosing T really understood trauma.
Sunshine and Shadows-
ReplyDeleteI wish I could remember when the conversations first started in my head but I can't. I believe they have always been there and I just figured they were normal. It is good to know I'm not alone in this.
Lothlorien-
Why thank you! I read your post on that and it is crazy how alike we are in our thinking. I am not sure what "co-conscious" is exactly. I understand the term but I am not sure if I have experienced it yet.
I was a wreck for a long time after she was murdered and I don't remember a lot of that time. I just remember feeling such despair and pain that I didn't want to be alive and I didn't want to feel anymore so I did the only thing I knew how to do - dissociate. As time goes on I will write about this in my blog. There is just too much to explain in this tiny little comment box.
Mornin'! How do you feel about being re-diagnosed?
ReplyDeleteI was also diagnosed with mixed-episode rapid cycling bipolar disorder (say that 10 times fast), but the treatments for both are the same. It's difficult for me to believe either diagnosis sometimes, and then other times I'm okay about it. So, maybe some alters (I still say "personalities" in therapy) are cool with it and others are not. How the hell should I know.
Are you journaling? Have you bought any books yet? I mean it's been like 3-4 days. Get going, woman! ;)
Please keep writing. Sometimes that's the best therapy.
Lisa
Lisa-
ReplyDeleteI feel surprisingly relieved. I never thought Schizophrenia was the right diagnosis but I was never one to argue. I have been journaling since Saturday. Bee is lending me all the books she has and has given me a list of all the books she wants me to read that she doesn't have. I never did this when I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and I probably should have! But DID is so fascinating to me and I've known Bee long enough to know most of the basics. I will keep writing! Thank you!