Apple and Mo

Apple, Pear and Plum are the alters my therapist first discovered and told me about. Plum is about 3 years old and she drew a picture for me during our session today.

My therapist says that Apple comes out at night and cooks huge meals and then stores them in Tupperware containers to be consumed later. First, I need to explain why my therapist thinks this...

When I first started living with my adopted family, my siblings told me I would sleepwalk. I had no idea what that meant and so I was really embarrassed about it but I couldn't do anything to stop it. One night I woke up in the middle of the night - I was standing in the kitchen with a knife in one hand and a whole spread of food on the counter. I was so shocked that I dropped the knife and ran to my room. I told Ash the next night to follow me if I went sleepwalking. When I woke up the next morning, she told me I cooked an entire meal while I was asleep. She told me I was humming and talking to myself like it was a favorite past time. It was the strangest thing I had ever heard.

12 years later and I am still doing it! Many of my college roommates thought I was crazy, and at first they thought I would burn the apartment or house down while cooking in the middle of the night - asleep no less. But after a while it became the norm and no one worried about it.

I told my therapist this funny thing about me about a week and a half ago and she says she figured it out. Apple is the one coming out at night to cook. I am a little disappointed about this though... It used to be really awesome to tell people that I can cook these fabulous meals while I'm sleeping, but cannot figure out for the life of me when I am awake. Now it seems that it is just an alter inside my head that is coming out to have some time to herself. Maybe I will be more thrilled about this later...

There is a fourth alter that has made himself known. His name is Mandarin-Orange but he goes by Manny-Orin. Plum calls him Mo. I do not like having a male alter inside me. It really freaks me out.

My Little Cinderella

Ever since Kel started crawling, she has loved to clean. She would put her hands straight up in the air when I would wash the dishes in the sink in our tiny apartment (we didn't have a dishwasher). I would pick her up and set her on the counter and then she would stick her hands in the bubbly water and rub them all over the dishes.

When we moved into a house with a dishwasher, it was her favorite new thing. As it was running, she would frequently check it to see if it was done. She would wear a towel like a cape until it would beep and then she would take out all of the stuff on the bottom and dry it off. Sometimes she would attempt to put things away, which didn't always turn out so swell!

My husband built her a stool just after she turned two so she could climb up and reach the sink (or the counter) to do dishes without "mommy's help". He also took our old mop and cut it down so she could use it without falling over.

She is constantly roaming the house with the duster and wiping down the walls with washcloths. My mother-in-law calls Kel her "little Cinderella".

This morning I woke up to her scrubbing Tey clean with baby wipes. I'm not sure how she got Tey to stay so still but now she has that clean, fresh baby wipe scent.

I just hope this obsession lasts into her teenage years.

Drawings On The Wall

My four year old (Kel) caught my one and a half year old (Tey) coloring on the wall yesterday afternoon. Normally I jump right in and ask them what they are doing and they bashfully give up their crayons, but the conversation was just too cute to interrupt.


Kel: Tey, mommy is not going to be very happy.

Tey: *holds up crayon* red!

Kel: No no no.

Tey: *looks at crayon* blue?

Kel: No it is red!

Tey: *confused look*

Kel: Give me that red.

Tey: *holds it tight against her chest* NO!

Kel: Ok fine.

Tey: *goes back to coloring*

Kel: If you're gonna draw on the wall then at least do it behind the couch!


Ahh I just love my little girls!

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 8

I started treatment, although I don't have much memory of it. I have tried several times to go back to that time and remember being in the hospital, but I just can't.


But something wasn't right with me. I had never had a period in my life. My father had sexually abused me so badly that several doctors had told me I would never be able to have kids. Some of them wanted to do a hysterectomy but they never did. But something wasn't right. I would wake up in the middle of the night to the feeling of "popping" in my stomach. I would put my hand on my belly and I could feel little "pops". I started to get really sick at random parts of the day. My hair started to get more curly and my mood would drastically change from one moment to the next.


The doctor's told me that it was just side effects from the medication.

Then one day, I heard a soft and faint hiccup. And then another. I put my hand on my stomach and felt a soft movement with the next hiccup.

My heart fell out of my chest.

I immediately called Bee. As soon as she answered I said, "I think I'm pregnant." I didn't know what to do. Bee came over and when Linda got home that night, I told her.

We went to the doctor the first thing in the morning. She did some tests and then we went in for the ultrasound. A tiny baby appeared on the monitor (I would later find out that I was 22 weeks along at this point).

No one could believe it. It was impossible. There were no physical signs of me being pregnant. They tried to figure out who had raped me around that time but I couldn't even narrow it down to one person. I was terrified. I couldn't even take care of myself - I could barely hold myself together. There was no way I was going to abort this baby but I didn't want it either.

I sat in a trance for days. I didn't know what to do. No one did.

Linda decided that I should talk to their bishop.

To be continued...

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 7

I started to see her. Everywhere.

The first time was in the middle of the night. I was lying in bed next to Lynne - she was asleep. I was watching the shadows bounce along the walls as late night drivers were passing by, their headlights shining through the window. I don't know if she just appeared or walked into the room, but I looked towards the closet door and there she was. I practically jumped up from where I was and ran to her. She told me she couldn't touch me but she was there to watch over me.

Two days later I saw her in the kitchen while I was listening to my aunt. She was standing in the corner, smiling at me. My heart ached. The pain of needing her with me was so great.

Sometimes she would follow me around the house and at night she would lie next to me in bed until I fell asleep.

I finally told my therapist that I was seeing Ash. He asked me to describe her, where I saw her, when I saw her, how often I saw her. It sounded like he truly believed me.

But about two months later, he diagnosed me with Schizophrenia.

I didn't understand. I wasn't crazy. She was really there! But he just wouldn't listen. I would need to be hospitalized, he said. I would need to start the medication immediately.

I didn't need this. I didn't want this. I wanted her. I wanted her.

To be continued...

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 6

The next day I was taken in to see a therapist. To this day I still do not know how I even talked myself into seeing a male therapist. Lynne went with me to every session for the first several months because I refused to be alone with him.

In that first session, he had me draw a picture for him. I wish I had it to post on here but he kept it. It's probably better that way anyway. I drew what the cellar looked like that Ash and I were locked in for 9 months, just before our father killed himself. I didn't tell him what it was though. He studied it for quite some time.

He quickly learned that it took a lot to get me to talk. In the fourth session, he brought out some Barbie dolls and had me show him what had happened to me. After telling Bee that my therapist had me do this, she freaked out. I guess most people are uncomfortable with doing this, but it was very comforting for me because I wouldn't be saying anything out loud.

First we made labels for each of the dolls. I carefully picked out each of my abusers and labeled them accordingly. For several sessions it was completely silent as I made the Barbie's act out the events of my childhood. It was almost like my hands had a mind of there own and I was just sitting back and watching it all unfold. (I now know that I had been co-conscious with one of my alter's.)

There were things I wasn't telling him, though. While I was staying at my aunt's house, her son-in-law had been coming over more often. Most of the time he came over when I was home alone and he would bring his friend. Even though I moved out of my parents house, I was still being sexually abused. I never told my therapist.

To be continued...

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 5

I had to leave. I was 18 years old so legally I could leave. I called my aunt who lived in Arizona and asked if I could come live with her. She said she would love to have me.

I couldn't tell anyone what Chris was doing to me every night. Instead, my siblings and some of my friends who knew he was coming over thought Chris and I were starting a relationship. I desperately wished to tell.

My cousin Lynne, her brother J, and their mom drove to my house and we loaded up my stuff into their van. Chris begged to come along. Linda, not knowing the situation, said he would be welcome to accompany us. We climbed into the back seat and he did things to me the entire drive there.

When we arrived at their house, I was very emotionally unstable. Lynne grabbed my arm and took me to her room. She told me she could tell something wasn't right and that I needed to tell her what was going on. I reluctantly told her what Chris had been doing to me for the past three weeks. As soon as the words let my lips, the door came crashing down.

Before I even realized what was happening, I was knocked to the ground. I heard Lynne screaming. Josh came running into the room and pulled Chris off of me. They called the police and he was taken into custody.

To be continued...