I had my little girl yesterday, 10-10-10. We named her Lyndrea Amerae. She was 6lbs, 2 oz, 19 inches. And TONS of hair! My other two girls were completely bald for months. Words cannot express the love I have for this little girl...
I am horrible with keeping up with this blog...I have been so busy these past few months and I seem to never find the time. We're also in the process of moving again.
I'm really tired but I hope to get back on soon and post a "real" blog.
Take care.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Just Some Thoughts
Wow I just really suck right now at keeping up with my blog... So much is going on right now in my life that it's hard to find the time. I have three of my younger sisters staying with me right now and it has been crazy at my house! I've been able to see my therapist once since I last wrote and that seemed to help me out a lot.
I have set aside a time every morning after I send Kel off to school and take Tey to preschool/day care at my other sister's house, to lay down and relax. I breathe really deeply while listening to Chakra Suite. I fall into a sort of "trance" (for lack of a better word) and I find my alters and we talk. I usually do this about an hour to really hear what they need to tell me and to get to know them better. It has been a huge deal for us and it is really helping. My days are much better and I hardly lose time at all.
This in time, I fear, will not work any longer for us for whatever reason, but for now it's pretty amazing.
I have set aside a time every morning after I send Kel off to school and take Tey to preschool/day care at my other sister's house, to lay down and relax. I breathe really deeply while listening to Chakra Suite. I fall into a sort of "trance" (for lack of a better word) and I find my alters and we talk. I usually do this about an hour to really hear what they need to tell me and to get to know them better. It has been a huge deal for us and it is really helping. My days are much better and I hardly lose time at all.
This in time, I fear, will not work any longer for us for whatever reason, but for now it's pretty amazing.
Monday, August 9, 2010
I'm Still Here
It has been a while since I've written. I was in the hospital for a few days... I had some complications with my pregnancy but things are fine now. Shortly after that, my sister in law fell ill so I flew up to help my brother (her husband) with their 9 kids. Now I am finally back in my own home, slowly trying to get back into my routine. But school is starting very soon so I have been rushing around trying to get my daughter Kel ready for first grade. She won't even be 5 years old on her first day!
Since I have been gone I haven't been able to meet with my therapist and it is really starting to get to me. I have had some memories pop up at random times throughout my days and some of them are very disturbing. I so badly wish that they aren't real but I know they are.
I am also starting to recognize and get used to the inside "chatter". I think they are starting to feel more comfortable about letting me know who they are. I often find myself trying to talk to them, but I feel ridiculous. I'm still trying to accept that they are actually there. I guess having a Schizophrenia label for so long really hinders progress in the DID area.
Since I have been gone I haven't been able to meet with my therapist and it is really starting to get to me. I have had some memories pop up at random times throughout my days and some of them are very disturbing. I so badly wish that they aren't real but I know they are.
I am also starting to recognize and get used to the inside "chatter". I think they are starting to feel more comfortable about letting me know who they are. I often find myself trying to talk to them, but I feel ridiculous. I'm still trying to accept that they are actually there. I guess having a Schizophrenia label for so long really hinders progress in the DID area.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Strangers In Our House
I am happy to report that the mystery animal from two nights ago has moved!
My therapist suggested that my alters and I start a journal. I'm not sure how to go about this since I am still very new to all of this. I am more aware of them, I think. I can understand their conversations now - they seem to be closer, if that makes sense.
I'm finding random things around the house that either I have never noticed before or they were put there recently. New clothes that I don't remember buying. Food in the pantry that I have never bought. Dishes in the kitchen have been rearranged. The furniture in the living room was moved around as well. I'm finding more drawings in my daughters coloring basket that wasn't done by either of them. I'm also finding little bits of paper around the house that have been cut perfectly into triangles - neither of my kids can cut that well. I've talked to my husband about this and he knows nothing about it. We think it may be the alters coming out.
I don't know if I am okay with this. It is strange. I feel like a stranger is coming into our home and doing things in our house without our knowledge. Is it normal to be completely freaked out?
My therapist suggested that my alters and I start a journal. I'm not sure how to go about this since I am still very new to all of this. I am more aware of them, I think. I can understand their conversations now - they seem to be closer, if that makes sense.
I'm finding random things around the house that either I have never noticed before or they were put there recently. New clothes that I don't remember buying. Food in the pantry that I have never bought. Dishes in the kitchen have been rearranged. The furniture in the living room was moved around as well. I'm finding more drawings in my daughters coloring basket that wasn't done by either of them. I'm also finding little bits of paper around the house that have been cut perfectly into triangles - neither of my kids can cut that well. I've talked to my husband about this and he knows nothing about it. We think it may be the alters coming out.
I don't know if I am okay with this. It is strange. I feel like a stranger is coming into our home and doing things in our house without our knowledge. Is it normal to be completely freaked out?
Thursday, July 22, 2010
It's Early...
I couldn't sleep last night. There is an annoying animal right outside our window that was making awful noises ALL... NIGHT... LONG...
I wanted to kill it.
I'm not sure how I would have done it. I'm terrified of guns. I don't like the feeling of stabbing something, especially to kill it. I didn't want to beat it to death because that is terribly cruel. We don't have any poison, at least not to my knowledge. And I didn't want to have to walk all the way to the front door and then halfway around the house to our window at 1 o'clock in the morning.
So I laid in bed all night, clenching my fists and trying not to wake my husband who was sleeping quite peacefully, might I add.
Maybe I can squeeze in a nap today...
I wanted to kill it.
I'm not sure how I would have done it. I'm terrified of guns. I don't like the feeling of stabbing something, especially to kill it. I didn't want to beat it to death because that is terribly cruel. We don't have any poison, at least not to my knowledge. And I didn't want to have to walk all the way to the front door and then halfway around the house to our window at 1 o'clock in the morning.
So I laid in bed all night, clenching my fists and trying not to wake my husband who was sleeping quite peacefully, might I add.
Maybe I can squeeze in a nap today...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Apple and Mo
Apple, Pear and Plum are the alters my therapist first discovered and told me about. Plum is about 3 years old and she drew a picture for me during our session today.
My therapist says that Apple comes out at night and cooks huge meals and then stores them in Tupperware containers to be consumed later. First, I need to explain why my therapist thinks this...
When I first started living with my adopted family, my siblings told me I would sleepwalk. I had no idea what that meant and so I was really embarrassed about it but I couldn't do anything to stop it. One night I woke up in the middle of the night - I was standing in the kitchen with a knife in one hand and a whole spread of food on the counter. I was so shocked that I dropped the knife and ran to my room. I told Ash the next night to follow me if I went sleepwalking. When I woke up the next morning, she told me I cooked an entire meal while I was asleep. She told me I was humming and talking to myself like it was a favorite past time. It was the strangest thing I had ever heard.
12 years later and I am still doing it! Many of my college roommates thought I was crazy, and at first they thought I would burn the apartment or house down while cooking in the middle of the night - asleep no less. But after a while it became the norm and no one worried about it.
I told my therapist this funny thing about me about a week and a half ago and she says she figured it out. Apple is the one coming out at night to cook. I am a little disappointed about this though... It used to be really awesome to tell people that I can cook these fabulous meals while I'm sleeping, but cannot figure out for the life of me when I am awake. Now it seems that it is just an alter inside my head that is coming out to have some time to herself. Maybe I will be more thrilled about this later...
There is a fourth alter that has made himself known. His name is Mandarin-Orange but he goes by Manny-Orin. Plum calls him Mo. I do not like having a male alter inside me. It really freaks me out.
My therapist says that Apple comes out at night and cooks huge meals and then stores them in Tupperware containers to be consumed later. First, I need to explain why my therapist thinks this...
When I first started living with my adopted family, my siblings told me I would sleepwalk. I had no idea what that meant and so I was really embarrassed about it but I couldn't do anything to stop it. One night I woke up in the middle of the night - I was standing in the kitchen with a knife in one hand and a whole spread of food on the counter. I was so shocked that I dropped the knife and ran to my room. I told Ash the next night to follow me if I went sleepwalking. When I woke up the next morning, she told me I cooked an entire meal while I was asleep. She told me I was humming and talking to myself like it was a favorite past time. It was the strangest thing I had ever heard.
12 years later and I am still doing it! Many of my college roommates thought I was crazy, and at first they thought I would burn the apartment or house down while cooking in the middle of the night - asleep no less. But after a while it became the norm and no one worried about it.
I told my therapist this funny thing about me about a week and a half ago and she says she figured it out. Apple is the one coming out at night to cook. I am a little disappointed about this though... It used to be really awesome to tell people that I can cook these fabulous meals while I'm sleeping, but cannot figure out for the life of me when I am awake. Now it seems that it is just an alter inside my head that is coming out to have some time to herself. Maybe I will be more thrilled about this later...
There is a fourth alter that has made himself known. His name is Mandarin-Orange but he goes by Manny-Orin. Plum calls him Mo. I do not like having a male alter inside me. It really freaks me out.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
My Little Cinderella
Ever since Kel started crawling, she has loved to clean. She would put her hands straight up in the air when I would wash the dishes in the sink in our tiny apartment (we didn't have a dishwasher). I would pick her up and set her on the counter and then she would stick her hands in the bubbly water and rub them all over the dishes.
When we moved into a house with a dishwasher, it was her favorite new thing. As it was running, she would frequently check it to see if it was done. She would wear a towel like a cape until it would beep and then she would take out all of the stuff on the bottom and dry it off. Sometimes she would attempt to put things away, which didn't always turn out so swell!
My husband built her a stool just after she turned two so she could climb up and reach the sink (or the counter) to do dishes without "mommy's help". He also took our old mop and cut it down so she could use it without falling over.
She is constantly roaming the house with the duster and wiping down the walls with washcloths. My mother-in-law calls Kel her "little Cinderella".
This morning I woke up to her scrubbing Tey clean with baby wipes. I'm not sure how she got Tey to stay so still but now she has that clean, fresh baby wipe scent.
I just hope this obsession lasts into her teenage years.
When we moved into a house with a dishwasher, it was her favorite new thing. As it was running, she would frequently check it to see if it was done. She would wear a towel like a cape until it would beep and then she would take out all of the stuff on the bottom and dry it off. Sometimes she would attempt to put things away, which didn't always turn out so swell!
My husband built her a stool just after she turned two so she could climb up and reach the sink (or the counter) to do dishes without "mommy's help". He also took our old mop and cut it down so she could use it without falling over.
She is constantly roaming the house with the duster and wiping down the walls with washcloths. My mother-in-law calls Kel her "little Cinderella".
This morning I woke up to her scrubbing Tey clean with baby wipes. I'm not sure how she got Tey to stay so still but now she has that clean, fresh baby wipe scent.
I just hope this obsession lasts into her teenage years.
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