I'm Still Here

It has been a while since I've written. I was in the hospital for a few days... I had some complications with my pregnancy but things are fine now. Shortly after that, my sister in law fell ill so I flew up to help my brother (her husband) with their 9 kids. Now I am finally back in my own home, slowly trying to get back into my routine. But school is starting very soon so I have been rushing around trying to get my daughter Kel ready for first grade. She won't even be 5 years old on her first day!

Since I have been gone I haven't been able to meet with my therapist and it is really starting to get to me. I have had some memories pop up at random times throughout my days and some of them are very disturbing. I so badly wish that they aren't real but I know they are.

I am also starting to recognize and get used to the inside "chatter". I think they are starting to feel more comfortable about letting me know who they are. I often find myself trying to talk to them, but I feel ridiculous. I'm still trying to accept that they are actually there. I guess having a Schizophrenia label for so long really hinders progress in the DID area.

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 8

I started treatment, although I don't have much memory of it. I have tried several times to go back to that time and remember being in the hospital, but I just can't.


But something wasn't right with me. I had never had a period in my life. My father had sexually abused me so badly that several doctors had told me I would never be able to have kids. Some of them wanted to do a hysterectomy but they never did. But something wasn't right. I would wake up in the middle of the night to the feeling of "popping" in my stomach. I would put my hand on my belly and I could feel little "pops". I started to get really sick at random parts of the day. My hair started to get more curly and my mood would drastically change from one moment to the next.


The doctor's told me that it was just side effects from the medication.

Then one day, I heard a soft and faint hiccup. And then another. I put my hand on my stomach and felt a soft movement with the next hiccup.

My heart fell out of my chest.

I immediately called Bee. As soon as she answered I said, "I think I'm pregnant." I didn't know what to do. Bee came over and when Linda got home that night, I told her.

We went to the doctor the first thing in the morning. She did some tests and then we went in for the ultrasound. A tiny baby appeared on the monitor (I would later find out that I was 22 weeks along at this point).

No one could believe it. It was impossible. There were no physical signs of me being pregnant. They tried to figure out who had raped me around that time but I couldn't even narrow it down to one person. I was terrified. I couldn't even take care of myself - I could barely hold myself together. There was no way I was going to abort this baby but I didn't want it either.

I sat in a trance for days. I didn't know what to do. No one did.

Linda decided that I should talk to their bishop.

To be continued...

I Couldn't Even Stop It... - Part 2

I didn't want to believe it.

I cried and kicked and screamed.

I threw tools and cords and markers and parts of the hospital beds.

I tore down the curtains.

I broke several machines.

I punched my cousin until he was lying unconscious on the floor.

They took me to the psych ward.

I beat the crap out of the padded room they put me in.

I cried and cried until I finally fell asleep 28 hours later.

They let me go home.

I didn't want to talk to anybody or see anybody.

I didn't want to eat or sleep or drink.

I didn't want to breathe.

Ash had suffocated to death. Why should I be breathing?

To be continued...